Walking by Faith

I said, before I ever decided to start a blog, that I wanted to share our infertility story. Then I decided to start blogging and intended to post about it here. Then I decided that nobody wanted to hear about it because infertility is such a downer. But here's the hitch: my story isn't a downer! That is why I am writing now.
Stick with it, because there's a blessing here and I want to share it with you!

Hot Daddy and I got married on May 8, 2004 and we knew we wanted to start a family. However, we were working for a small company and did not have health insurance, so we waited. We enjoyed being newlyweds, we enjoyed having more space than we really needed, and a large office. We enjoyed sleeping in and doing what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it. But we wanted a baby. In July of 2005, shortly after our dear friend gave birth to a teeny-tiny-baby-bird-preemie of a little fella under extremely stressful circumstances, we learned that we were pregnant. We had hardly started trying. Technically, we were still in the "don't bother trying yet because your body will still be under the effects of the birth control" phase. Our lives were changing, and it was a beautiful thing!

Then came April 21, 2006. Labor and delivery went without complication, unless you count the part where the epidural didn't work in my abdominal area and every contraction peaked with me vomiting on Hot Daddy. He was such a champ! And in the end, we were holding the most beautiful little lady I've ever seen! Pale and pruny, with lots of dark hair. She was healthy, we were all happy. Princess Pea Pod had arrived!

March of 2007 brought with it the grand idea that Princess Pea Pod needed a sibling. Since conception with the principessa was so quick and painless, we figured we'd try for a couple months and welcome baby #2 around the time she turned 2. But we didn't. We did everything we were supposed to do for about 18 months and still the positive pregnancy test eluded us. We called the doctor.

In September of 2009 we met with one of the top reproductive endocrinologists (REs) in the state. By this time I was experiencing some pain and we wondered if it might be related to what they were calling "secondary infertility." I am an organized kind of girl, so I came in with nearly 2 years of specific cycle data. They poked, they prodded, they prodded my left ovary and I nearly passed out. They began to discuss endometriosis. They said things like "If this is indeed endometriosis, its possible that your first pregnancy is truly an act of God." They wrote orders for me to have an HSG to check my fallopian tubes and for the kind of tests that men pretend don't exist. We had those tests done in our hometown, since the doctor we were seeing is 4 hours from here, and returned with the results. My HSG prompted the use of terms like "beautiful" and "textbook" from the doctor who performed it and from our RE. They said things like "There's no reason here why you aren't pregnant." They said things like "Many women find that they get pregnant right after an HSG." They said "His test results are great. We see no reason why you can't get pregnant."

I was still hurting and still not pregnant, so we scheduled exploratory surgery with a local doctor in December. We needed to know if endometriosis was the reason. Now, when I say "I was still hurting," I do not mean that cramps make me cranky. I am talking about excruciating pain; the kind that would be described as "white-hot" and "stabbing." The kind that makes you dizzy and causes your knees to buckle right out from under you. The kind that would cause weeping, if it left you the strength to weep. So less than 2 weeks before Christmas, they opened me up. They found endometriosis, enough to cause that kind of pain, but they also found that my reproductive system had not been damaged. It was not that discovery that rocked my world, but the discovery of the blockages in my fallopian tubes. Remember the HSG in November? Remember "beautiful" and "textbook?" The doctor who performed my surgery told me that he had seen the video from November and was baffled that in December BOTH of my tubes were blocked so soundly that he had tried THREE times to flush them and stopped so he wouldn't cause more damage. I could see the confusion, the frustration on his face and I felt it too. But I felt something else even more.

"I know why my tubes are blocked, and its ok." Now, if you've ever earnestly told a doctor "I know something you don't know" you will get some idea of the way he looked at me. He was ready to give me a little something for depression. And if you've ever literally felt the hand of God, you'll know how I felt. You see, we had closed our eyes and our ears and run at the brick wall of infertility with all our strength. What I was only then realizing is that it isn't infertility that we were fighting, we were fighting God. In all my digging, and according to any of the doctors we've talked to about this, nobody can explain why both perfectly healthy, perfectly clear tubes were so quickly and thoroughly blocked. But by God's great grace and wisdom, He has blocked them. Because I was not leaning on Him, I was leaning on Hot Daddy. I was leaning on myself. I was leaning on a handful of doctors and nurses and technicians. And none of those people can do what my God can do. None of those people know how my story ends, but He does. He wrote it.

This is the point in the story where the happy ending goes. This is where an infertility story often says "I was patient and we were blessed with twins," or "God expanded our family and now there are six of us." This story is not over. There is still no second baby for our family, no sibling for our principessa, no son to play catch with our daddy. I would love to tell you that I am so consumed by faith that I never even think about it, but I am not going to lie to you. I am constantly reminded that my womb is closed, but the blessing is that I am also constantly reminded that He is in charge. He is carrying me through. His plan for our family is perfect. And when He expands our family, it will be with the one He chose for us.