Don't get me wrong, I've always felt that God made YOU special, and I've always kind-of known that He made me special, too. It just never really clicked. A person is not a person is not a person. There are many people I love, many who are near and dear to my heart, but there's something deeply moving when I look at our principessa and realize how carefully God planned her and put her together. From the eyelashes that fan delicately across her face when she sleeps, to the perfect placement of every freckle. From the slightly maddening cowlicks that add yet another unique flair to her hair, to the toes that are still as adorable as they day she was born - only a tad more smelly. She's a lot like any other kid, and yet she is different. She is special. She was planned by God long before she was formed in my womb, long before her precious daddy and I ever held her.
So my logical mind says that if I can recognize this about our principessa, and about her daddy, or about any number of other people who are also totally amazing... then God really did make ME special. And He planned me for a purpose. Now, I'm not one to get all self centered (and if I ever seem that way, feel free to deliver a reality check) but this is huge. It also means that something has got to change. You see, I've been going through day to day, really only concerned with taking care of my family and surviving til tomorrow, Lord willing. And I hate to complain, so I always figured the aches and pains and oddities with which I lived were the same as everyone else. So I put on my big girl panties and trudged on. I am not going to start whining now - it still gives me the willies and triggers a gag reflex when I hear whining - but I have learned something and I want to shout it from the mountaintops. Are you ready for this?
It doesn't honor God when I let little issues snowball to big issues and allow my health to suffer.
Yep. Read that again. And then internalize it, please. He made me special and I trashed His creation. "Hey God, thanks for putting all that thought and care into making me, but Your work isn't important enough to maintain." I never said that, but boy did I say that. We'll fast forward past the obvious transgressions... junk food and very little exercise. Everywhere you look there is someone talking about diet and exercise. I wrestled with those issues, but they overshadowed much more.
Several years ago I developed horrible headaches. Debilitating migraines that led me to shut myself in a cool, dark room with no stimuli. These started about the same time as the vertigo and constant motion sickness. I can get carsick sitting in a chair in the living room. I can get carsick backing out of the driveway. I can get carsick sitting still in church. I was nauseous all the time. Surely all the fatigue was just the result of new motherhood, or having a toddler, or working while maintaining the home. The back pain was too, right? There were so many times I thought I must have been pregnant again, because my body ached and exhaustion was overwhelming. Not to mention that issue of pregnancy - or lack thereof. After not even having to try to conceive Princess Pea Pod, we've spent nearly 8 years trying to conceive her sibling. I'm not whining, but yeah, I was a hot mess.
A couple years ago I mentioned these issues to my doctor. I ended up with meds for indigestion and meds for pain. There were trips to a fertility specialist and surgery for endometriosis. Then more meds for that pain and the excruciating experience that was the beginning of my monthly cycle. There was also surgery on my back to remove a fatty tumor that may or may not have been pressing on my spine and causing the back pain, and pain meds for that when we found that the lipoma was not the source of the back pain. The ER trip in the midst of a vertigo attack brought about the addition of blood pressure meds for the migraines that may or may not have set off the vertigo, as well as anti-anxiety and antiemetic drugs to take as soon as vertigo symptoms arise. A couple years ago, an anaphylactic reaction to some food somewhere triggered an ER visit and allergy testing, resulting in consistently high doses of antihistamines and the addition of the Epi-Pen to my daily life. Not to mention the daily antihistamine/decongestant and eventually the allergy shots. I had to carry a large purse wherever I went so I was sure to have the right meds at the right time. I was in my early 30's and carried more meds than my 90 year-old grandmother!
How could I honor God when I couldn't even grip a pen to add my daily reflections in the journal I keep for Princess Pea Pod? How could I be His hands and feet when I fell asleep at the computer while I was working? (And thank God for a job at home, where I could make up that time.) How could I respect what He has given me when I was barely functional? I didn't even want to show my face in public because the deep, painful acne on my face made even washing my face with plain water bring tears. Not to mention applying makeup that made my face burn and itch, no matter what product I tried. Or the daily vomiting session that resulted soon after I took the antibiotics prescribed for that acne.
And then God brought our family through a series of events that included my resignation from work and the decision to become a homeschooling stay-at-home mom. Add that story to the list of posts I really, truly have to add. I can't even begin to do justice to the great blessings God has brought upon our family. But check out God Made You Special Part 2 for what He has done to restore my health. If you've powered through this post, you need to know what happens next!
You are amazing. I love you.
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